


LL Cool J

by kittensmctavish



Category: Castle
Genre: And probably some other things I'm forgetting, Awkward Conversations, Awkwardness, BioShock References, Embarrassment, Gen, Illnesses, Investigations, Questioning, Roach shipping, Second-Hand Embarrassment
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-24
Updated: 2017-01-24
Packaged: 2018-09-19 18:17:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9453887
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kittensmctavish/pseuds/kittensmctavish
Summary: Mama said knock you ooooooooout.Or: Ryan and Esposito kick down the door of a sick woman.





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've been cooped up in my apartment with the worst stomach bug ever. And all I've been doing (when not sleeping or bleccching) is reading aaaaaaaaaall of the Rysposito slashfic. (detective_rysposito or RyspositoWritings, if either of you are reading this, hello, I'm a huge fan, you are doing the Lord's work, as opposed to me.)
> 
> ANYWHOOZLE, all that slashfic affected my sick-addled dreams and then I came up with this scenario. It's the weirdest self-insert thing I've written ever but it helps me feel a little better. It's also an excuse to make Bioshock jokes about Ryan because why the fuck not. 
> 
> There is the slightest bit of Rysposito if you tilt your head and squint. To make up for that, original character (that is totally not an expo of sick!me) is a Roach shipper. 
> 
> Also, bonus points if you know which two horror films original character's name come from.

Javier Esposito and Kevin Ryan usually never regretted any opportunity to kick down the door of a potential suspect that was unwilling to talk. 

(Except that one time with the old lady with the plethora of creepy dolls, but never mind that.)

It was another day, another murder, another whole bunch of kooky Castle conspiracy theories, and another door of a suspect to knock on (in this case, one Kirsty Bannon).

And, after several minutes of unanswered knocking and asking, another door to kick down. 

"NYPD!" Esposito called, being the first one to walk into the apartment. 

"Miss Bannon?" Ryan called, nudging a nearby door open and flipping a light switch on. It was a bathroom, as it turned out. There was a faint smell of cleaning product in the air, along with a bottle of Comet and a roll of paper towels in the counter next to the sink. 

So...maybe something went down here and this Kirsty Bannon was trying to clean up the evidence

"You got anything, bro?" Ryan heard Esposito call. He stepped out of the bathroom to check in. 

"Maybe. You?" Esposito was facing a set of sliding doors, his gun pointed at them. He motioned for Ryan to back him up as he slowly slid one of the doors open. 

It revealed a small bedroom with a woman - Ryan and Esposito could only presume Kirsty Bannon - lying on the bed. A bedsheet and blanket were thrown half over her body, clad in black pajama pants and a tank top. Her eyes were closed, and her skin was pale. Three or four pillows were stacked underneath her neck, propping her up to almost a sitting position. Were it not for the incline, she'd have been ramrod straight on the bed, arms pressed against her sides. 

Ryan stepped closer, leaning over Esposito to press fingers against the woman's neck. Her skin was clammy and feverish, and Ryan felt a slight shaking to her body. That shaking, and the pulse Ryan found, confirmed that this woman was at least alive. 

"Miss Bannon," Ryan said softer than before, but still loud enough for her to (hopefully) register. Then again, having not noticed the fingers on her neck, or the two police officers kicking her door open, this wasn't likely. 

"Think she's OD'd on something?" Esposito asked. Wouldn't have been the first time they'd come across someone who'd taken too much of something illegal and who'd needed medical attention before being questioned. 

Before Ryan could answer, the woman lying on the bed moaned slightly and stirred. Esposito lifted his gun again. 

"Really?" Ryan whispered. 

"Could be an act, bro!" Esposito hissed back. 

The woman shifted in the bed and slowly blinked her eyes open as she pushed herself into a sitting position. She rubbed her eyes as she stood and blinked a few more times at Ryan and Esposito. 

They honestly weren't sure if she'd registered that there were two men in her apartment. 

That is, until she said, "gimme like five minutes".

"Miss Bannon, we're with the NYPD, we need to--" Ryan began. 

"Wait," she said again, more urgently, as she walked past them and towards the bathroom, nearly slamming it shut, followed by the click of a lock. 

Ryan and Esposito looked at each other. 

Um...what?

"Think you can put the gun down," Ryan said, patting Esposito's shoulder.

"What if she's trying to escape?" Esposito said, walking out of the bedroom and towards the hallway. 

"I checked it out before, the bathroom's only got the one door, so...unlikely."

Esposito knocked on the locked bathroom door. 

"Miss Bannon?" he said. 

Nothing. 

A few moments passed. 

Esposito knocked again. 

"Kirsty Bannon?" 

Still nothing. 

Esposito and Ryan shared another glance. 

Neither of them were about to break down a bathroom door...that is, unless half an hour or more passed without a word from the woman. 

Then, the telltale sound of the flush or a toilet. Running water. 

The click of the door unlocking and the door cracking open. 

Only no woman appearing to ask what they wanted. 

Esposito was going to step in and ask her what the hell she was doing. Watching her fall to her knees and heave over the toilet bowl, he stepped right back out at the sound of retching. 

Ryan winced at the expression on his partner's face, and they looked at each other again. 

Should they feel bad about having kicked this woman's door in?

Ryan held a hand up to Esposito and walked past him, tucking his gun into his holster as he did, and peered around the corner of the bathroom door. 

The retching seemed to have ceased for the time being. The woman's knuckles were clenched tightly around the rim of the toilet as her breaths came in pained gasps. 

"You okay?" he asked, immediately cringing at the stupidity of the question. 

"Peachy," she grumbled, not looking up as she reached up to flush the toilet. She then folded her arms over the rim of the toilet and rested her head on them. 

"All too familiar, huh, Irish?" Esposito said from almost directly behind Ryan, making him jump (because seriously, Espo could be freaky sneaky quiet sometimes).

"Not the time, Javi," Ryan whispered, turning back towards the woman to speak to her again. "Because if you need a hospital--"

"No no no," she said, unfolding her arms to clench to the toilet as she stood up. "Just a stomach bug." She looked at the two and gave them a grimace before walking over to the sink to wash her hands. 

"Ugh," Esposito said with his own grimace. "Been there."

"How the crap did you get in my place?" the woman asked as she dried her hands and reached for her toothbrush. Ryan glanced quickly over at at Esposito. 

"Well, um...we...may or may not have kicked down your door," Ryan finally said. The toothbrush, now in the woman's mouth, stopped moving. She stared at the two of them for a minute before spitting the toothpaste foam out of her mouth. 

"Okay, I'm gonna mouthwash," she said, reaching for a bottle of Listerine, "and that minute or so should give you enough time to explain why the fuck."

And sure enough, that minute of swishing gave Ryan and Esposito ample time to explain that they needed to ask her some questions about the recent murder of someone she was apparently associated with. She nodded slightly as they talked, and when they'd finished, she bent over the sink and spit the mouthwash out. 

"Okay," she said. "So, does this prove I didn't do it?"

"Not...no. That's a no."

"But if the murder took place in the hours that you say, I know it wasn't me," she said, reaching for the paper towels and bottle of Comet. "I've been here. Sick."

"Can anyone attest to that?" Ryan asked

"Do you invite people over when you're sick, Mister Irish Cop whatever the fuck your name is? Mister Gunpoint McKicksDoors over here said you were Irish, sorry."

"Detective Kevin Ryan."

The woman paused as she sprayed Comet on to the sink. 

"I don't know which Bioshock joke to go with," she muttered, more to herself. 

"...sorry, what?" Esposito asked. 

"Bioshock, video game, there's a character in it whose last name is Ryan and another character who's Irish and has like the worst Irish accent ever and why the fuck do you guys need to know this god Kirsty shut the fuck up."

"So you ARE Kirsty Bannon. Just to confirm."

"You guys kicked my door in and you're just NOW asking me this?" Kirsty asked as she moved on to the toilet with her bottle of Comet. 

"We wouldn't have had to kick down the door if you'd answered it," Esposito argued. 

"Have you ever tried to sleep off a stomach bug? Makes you pretty fucking dead to the world." She winced. "Bad choice of words given why you're here. Ignore that. Also, I know his name now, what's yours? I can't call you...whatever incredibly fucking witty thing I came up with earlier."

"Gunpoint McKicksDoors?"

"That's the one."

"Detective Javier Esposito."

A pause. 

"What, no video game reference for me?"

"Not at the moment, no."

"Really?"

"Happy Mask Salesman from Majora's Mask, the fuck do you want from me."

"So, no one can confirm you've been here at the time of the murder," Ryan interrupted in a desperate attempt to get back on topic. 

"No--yes, actually," Kirsty said. "My mom's been texting me on and off since I told her I was sick. She stopped by with a bag of stuff yesterday so I could get well sooner." Kirsty shook the bottle of Comet. "Included this."

"So...that explains why the bathroom smelled clean when we walked in?" Ryan said. 

"What else?"

"Getting rid of evidence."

"No, just attempting to kill all of the germs as long as this lasts." She set the Comet down and reached for a small silver blister pack, ripping one of the perforated edges. She looked up at the somewhat stern stares Ryan and Esposito were giving her. "What?" She looked down at the small pill that was emerging from the blister pack. "Ah. Popping a pill in front of the cops. Gotta forgive me. The sick is not making me brain good right now."

"Nothing illegal there?" Esposito asked. 

"No, just some sort of anti-nausea med...don't remember what it's called, I call it LL Cool J."

"...why?" Esposito asked as Ryan glanced back at him with raised eyebrows. 

"Cause mama said knock you oooooooout," Kirsty half-sang as she placed the pill on her tongue. "Not even sure it actually does anything for nausea. I think it just makes you sleep for so long that when you wake up twelve-plus hours later you forget you were ever nauseated." 

"Well..." Ryan reached for the remaining blister pack. "We'll take one and test it, just to make sure."

"But I need those!" Kirsty whined. "They're like one of the only things actually helping me feel better!"

"Then I'm sorry I have to take one for testing," Ryan said with what he hoped came across as a sympathetic smile. Kirsty seemed less than amused, but she closed her eyes, looked down, and pressed the bridge of her nose between two fingers. 

"Are you guys done with me?" she asked. "Because...I just wanna sleep this off more and I don't want you two to get sick from being here too long."

"We'll check out everything you've told us," Esposito said. "And we'll get back to you."

"Ideally by not smashing my door in?" She glared at Esposito. 

"...and...we will get that fixed." Esposito smiled wanly. "But anyway...don't go anywhere."

"Wasn't planning to. Just gonna keep doing what I've been doing - sleeping, reading, and not murdering people."

"Reading?"

"Was I supposed to mention I've been reading?" Kirsty asked. "Do I need to tell you WHAT I've been reading?"

"No, that's not--Esposito, let's get this to the lab, at any rate." Esposito nodded and made for the doorway (to fix the door as best he could under the circumstances).

"I'd shake your hands and say it was nice to meet you but..." Kirsty shrugged. 

"Understandable," Ryan said. "We'll let the front office know about the door..." Ryan rubbed the back of his neck. "Feel kinda bad about that now given..."

"You were just doing your job," Kirsty said with another shrug. "But please call next time. If I don't answer it's because I'm sleeping. But I'll check in as soon as I'm conscious."

"All right," Ryan said as Esposito finished with the door as best he could. "We'll be in touch."

"Okay, Detective...fucking...Bioshock, that was it. Atlas or Ryan. One of those."

"Ryan."

"Is Bioshock any good?" Esposito asked. 

"Incredibly good," Kirsty said. "Check it out, would you kindly. Also, get him to say 'splicers'." She gestured towards Ryan, who shared a glance with Esposito. 

"Um...okay?"

"It's funnier if you know Bioshock," Kirsty said. "Also, in case it does become relevant, I was reading Nikki Heat fanfiction. If they ask for specifics, Raley/Ochoa slashfic. I am unapologetic trash for those two and I don't give a shit who knows." 

A silence followed. Incredibly awkward for Ryan and Esposito. Not so much for Kirsty, whose eyes were drooping as she yawned, so she didn't notice the two detectives glance at each other and shift in their shoes uncomfortably. 

"The LL Cool J is kicking in, can I go sleep now?" she asked mid-yawn. 

"...sure."

"Thanks. Drive safe."

With that, she closed the door. Sort of. As best she could. 

The last thing Ryan and Esposito heard as they walked away was Kirsty singing "Mama said knock you oooooooout" to herself again.

***

When they returned to the precinct, they recounted (mostly) everything to Beckett and Castle en route to dropping the "LL Cool J" to Lanie for testing. This was, of course, accompanied by a plethora of hammy facial reactions from Castle, especially every time the stomach bug was mentioned. 

"You sure she wasn't on something?" Beckett asked. "That she wasn't using a stomach bug as a cover for something else?"

"Oh, you CAN'T fake that kind of nausea!" Castle assured. "Have you never suffered the wrath of unknown gastrointestinal viruses?"

"She seemed genuine enough," Esposito said, blatantly ignoring Castle's histrionics as they walked over to Lanie and Ryan handed her the medicine, briefly recounting what it was claimed to be. "Like, yeah, she was a little out of it but understandably so if she's been as sick for as long as she said. She was probably dehydrated too."

"Still coherent enough to give you some info," Castle said. "And, from what Ryan related, make video game jokes." 

"Sure that doesn't belong in the 'out of it' category?" Beckett asked. "Or in the 'eerily casual for being interrogated by two detectives' category?"

"Well, this looks legit enough to be what Miss Bannon said it is," Lanie said, observing the packaged pill between two gloved fingers. "But I'll run a test to give y'all peace of mind. Though I'll admit, never heard of a drug of any kind referred to as LL Cool J."

"I know, right?" Castle said with unnecessary glee. "I'm gonna use that in my next book." Beckett glared at him. "What? I'll credit her!"

"Anyway, Ryan, call her again and ask her for follow up," Beckett said to Ryan and Esposito. "But don't badger her, just tell her to get back in touch when she's more coherent. In the meantime, Espo, check over the security footage at the apartment complex. Maybe we can corroborate her story and rule her out as a suspect."

"And then maybe shower like five times so you don't get sick," Castle said with a shudder. 

"Get YOU sick, you mean?" Beckett said. 

"Maybe." Castle's look was unapologetic. 

The two nodded at Beckett and rolled their eyes at Castle before heading back up to their desks to do their respective jobs. 

"So we still on for Madden tonight?" Ryan asked. 

"I dunno...wanna look into that Bioshock game that you reminded our suspect of?" Esposito said, on his phone as he walked (causing Ryan to have to grab Esposito's arm and veer him out of the way of a column). 

"I dunno, if it's as good as she claimed, we may want to save it for when we can afford to play it for hours on end without worrying about missing work."

"Sound logic. In the meantime, I'm at least gonna look up 'splicers' and figure out why she wants me to get you to say it," Esposito said with a grin as he and Ryan reached their desks. 

"Sounds like a plan," Ryan said, letting go of Esposito's arm. "I'll look up whoever the Happy Mask Salesman is and probably start calling you that from now on."

"Okay, Atlas," Esposito said, nudging Ryan in the shoulder as they laughed. Ryan then turned to his phone and dialed Kirsty Bannon's number. As he predicted, there was no answer as four rings and a voicemail message passed. 

"Hello, Miss Bannon," he greeted. "This is Detective Kevin Ryan from the NYPD. My colleague and I...questioned you earlier today." The pause was to think of something better to say than "kicked your door open while you were sleeping off the need to puke" but it still sounded awkward. "Anyway, when you are well enough to leave your apartment, we need to ask you a few more questions, so...just stop by the 12th Precinct, ask for myself or Detective Esposito. That is, again, when you feel well enough."

A slight pause. 

"Also, sorry about your door again."

Another slight pause. 

"And apologies for not saying it earlier, but we hope you feel well soon."

***

A few hours later, Lanie let the team know that the supposed anti-nausea meds Kirsty abandon had were just that - anti-nausea meds. 

A few hours after that, Beckett and Castle had one of those fortuitous breakthrough moments they usually had and spoke in unison about which brought the case to a close and the victim to justice much sooner than anyone had anticipated (not that anyone was complaining).

A few days later, Esposito and Ryan were being told that they had a visitor. 

And sure enough, waiting on a nearby bench in some black slacks and a nice sweater, still looking pale but less shaky, was Kirsty Bannon. She stood as the two detectives approached. 

"Miss Bannon," Ryan greeted, sticking his hand out. She stood and shook his hand, then Esposito's (who tried to hide a bit of trepidation).

"Don't worry, Detective, I'm in the clear and so are you," she said with a sheepish smile. "I got your call, Detective Ryan, and that you needed to ask me some more questions?"

"You didn't tell her, bro?" Esposito asked, nudging his partner in the shoulder. 

"Told me what?" Kirsty asked. 

"Ah...yes, sorry, I should have called again as soon as I could, I just haven't had time," Ryan said, suddenly feeling very awful. "We brought the case to a close a couple of days ago."

"...oh."

Kirsty shifted from one foot to the other. 

"I take it I'm in the clear, then," she finally said. 

"Yes," Ryan said, unable to help himself from laughing a little bit. "We were able to confirm without a shadow of a doubt that you didn't do it."

"And the guy we took into custody who confessed to everything can also do that," Esposito added. 

"Okay, good," Kirsty said, laughing herself. "Well...good to know. ...but if you still had questions--"

"We take it you're feeling better?" Ryan asked. 

"Yes, much."

"Door fixed?"

"Sorry about that again," Esposito said with some modicum of actual apology. 

"Yes, door's fixed," Kirsty said. "Um..." She shifted her feet again. "Sorry I wasn't of more help to the case, I guess. And...sorry...in general."

"For what?" Ryan asked. "Neither of us are sick."

"Yeah, well...I was really...freaking out of it when you two were at my place and..." Kirsty put a hand to her face and the two detectives could see her face turning red. "I said a lot of stupid things and...I mean, you two were just doing your jobs and I may have been really out of line and I just...I feel better saying sorry for being stupid."

"Nothing to apologize for," Ryan said sincerely. "It's okay."

"We've dealt with worse - and more awkward - witnesses and suspects, believe us," Esposito added. "...although I looked up the Happy Mask Salesman and I don't know how you looked at me and connected me to that freak."

"Oh god..." Kirsty covered her face. "I'm sorry, detective...he was literally the first character that came to my sick-addled mind at the time and I promise you're nowhere near as freaky and offputting as him."

"You're still freaky and off putting, though," Ryan said to Esposito, patting him on the shoulder. 

"Maybe shut up, Atlas," Esposito shot back. "Oh, also, say 'splicers'."

"Javi--"

"What, she wanted to hear you say it in Irish-talk!"

"That accent is an affront to all Irish people," Ryan said. 

"I know, right?" Kirsty added. "I mean...um..."

"Will it help if I say it?" Ryan said it, giving his best impression of a world-weary sigh and closing his eyes before saying "Sploicers" in his best Atlas-from-Bioshock impression. And a giggle was had by the three. 

"Thank you for that," Kirsty said. "I feel slightly less awkward about...basically everything that's occurred between then and now."

"Well, we appreciate you coming in to follow up, even though you didn't need to because my fellow detective's an irresponsible--" Esposito began. 

"I am not!" Ryan argued. 

"Are you guys always like this?" Kirsty asked. 

"Yes." "No." The two answers came simultaneously. 

"Well...you guys had to watch me heaving over a toilet, only fair I get to see you at...um...not your most professional," Kirsty said with a shrug. 

"Glad you're feeling better, by the way," Ryan said. 

"Me too," Kirsty said. 

"Ryan, Espo, we've got--who's this?" The group turned to see Beckett and Castle approaching. 

"Kirsty Bannon, from the previous case," Esposito said. 

"The LL Cool J girl?" Castle said, reaching out to shake her hand. 

"Oh god..." Kirsty covered her face again. 

"Castle, leave the girl alone," Beckett said. Kirsty' head shot back up. 

"Wait...Castle...as in, Richard Castle, the author?" Kirsty said, eyes wide and skin becoming paler than usual. 

"Um...nice to meet a fan?" Castle said unsurely. "Also, can I use the LL Cool J thing for--"

"CASTLE!" Beckett hissed. 

"Beckett!" Castle retorted. 

"Beckett...as in, Nikki Heat?" Kirsty continued. She then looked back at Ryan and Esposito. "That makes you--OH GOD."

Her face was now fully covered by her hands and given the train of thought she was probably taking, Ryan and Esposito (or, as she'd probably realized, Raley and Ochoa) didn't really blame her for her reaction.

"Did we miss something?" Castle asked, sounding genuinely confused. 

"She...maybe sort of given an alibi in the form of reading--" Ryan began. 

"SHUT UP-MOUTH-SHUT-NOW," Kirsty stammered, reaching out frantically to cover Ryan's mouth with her hand. 

"Yes, she's a fan, Castle," Esposito said, calmly reaching for Kirsty's wrist and holding it still. "Specifically, a fan of--"

"I'm gonna leave now and...hopefully, never be back," Kirsty said, snatching her hand away and practically running out of the precinct. 

A long silence followed. 

"That was..." 

Beckett had nothing else. 

"...you know how when you're really drunk or coming off anesthesia and tend to say embarrassing truths?" Esposito said. Beckett and Castle nodded. "Basically that, with the Nikki Heat books. I think she just now realized who Ryan and I were."

"Ah..." Castle said. "Star struck."

"...sure. We'll go with that."

"Then I shan't ask more," Castle said. 

"Please don't, would you kindly," Ryan said, causing Esposito to glare at him. 

"Bro."

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback (and applesauce) welcome and appreciated. 
> 
> (Please be kind, though, I've never written these characters before and am very new to the Castle fandom.)


End file.
